Wrote this because I have been in a slump lately, and it’s getting really tough to do anything ‘productive’ at all. I can’t seem to find the will to read or write, and barely replying to messages. There was only one thing I could do find energy to do - go back to the basics of life. Breathing, walking, eating simple but nutritious meals, nature, and connecting with others. And filling other waking moments scrolling through TikTok/ IG. I’ve watched almost the entire Frozen 2 movie, and many snippets of Young Sheldon all through TikTok. Well aware that sometimes my sleep is affected from this less than optimal pre-bedtime activity, so this needs to stop.
It’s been 4 months of living the unemployed life, and I’m also back in Singapore. I feel as if I’ve lost that hopefulness and positivity I had earlier on about exploring options and finding my way. I’m in a dilemma where I want to get a full-time role to have a stable income and save for the future, and also want to lead a more laid-back life and go to wherever my energy feels best.
I’m not feeling great where I am and the negativity adds up. Every time I head out of my house, I’m observing people’s faces, and I don’t sense friendliness or see any smiling faces. Most people around here look stressed AF or angry about something. I wish I could ignore all of these signals, feel positive and be the first person to smile and spread joy. But I don’t. I’m worried I’ll be judged or rejected with a frown or weird stare. When I told my dad how I saw people walk down the streets in Bali smiling at nothing in particular, he jokingly asked if they were crazy. What? No, it’s actually really nice to be around people who can smile for no goddamn reason and not feel weird about it. It could also be confirmation bias because that’s how I am perceiving Singapore’s society.
It does seem like I’m falling back into a depressive state. I’m crying a lot and having those intense negative feelings of feeling like I’m not going anywhere, feeling stuck, and hopeless. If this is a test on whether the tools I’ve learnt to regulate my emotions work, I think it’s working. I have to let myself fall into the deep end of dark clouds and sadness, to float back on the surface again, and bob up and down for a bit. If I don’t allow myself to sit with the sadness, it will bubble back up and I start to feel sad and cry even more on another day.
In an attempt to feel alive again, I’m turning to pieces of advice on functioning well like eating better, sleeping better, and moving better. Dr Andrew Huberman would call them “protocols”. One thing I’ve been trying to get myself to do more after watching/hearing about this protocol is taking a walk in the morning to get sunlight in my eyes. And I’ve felt the other benefits like feeling better about sweating it out, feeling the sun’s warmth on my skin before it gets scorching hot in the afternoon. Having extra time to do extra long walks and exploring parts of my neighbourhood I’ve not gone to before is something to appreciate too.
Another thing I started doing is making smoothie bowls for breakfast. Upon waking up, I look forward to blending in a mixture of fruits, soy milk, chia seeds, and seeing those different hues of colours blended up each time I change the composition of fruits.
I’ve also had to find different ways to move my body without placing weight on my right wrist because I need the broken bone fragment to get back into place and heal. This past few weeks has taught me to be more patient with my body and find alternatives that allow me to focus on the basics again. The idea of mobility has been in my mind lately after taking Chris Fox’s mobility class at Yoga Barn. He also shared this video so that we can follow along at home. Our joints are made to rotate, so CARs (Controlled Articular Rotations) are movements that keep the joints healthy and moving at their maximum range of motion. It seems gentle enough but also quite essential. Getting some of these into my daily movement, and slowing down on deep squats since I’m no longer using additional weights, has helped me feel better than staying still the whole time.
I actually don’t know what is the point of sharing these, but I just felt like writing it. It’s not a piece that inspires or aims to be helpful to anyone in any way, but it’s a piece that shows another side of me being real I guess. The side of me that realises how similar we are to plants, needing the right conditions like sunlight to feel better. We need a little bit more than the sun, water, and food, but also social connections to thrive and feel alive. So this writing is feeding my need to connect. I also want to be able to remind my future self that I’ve felt un-alive before and can take lessons from the past and whatever I’ve accumulated along the way to slowly come back to live again.
Working full time has its seasons where it makes you feel the same, too. The lackadaisical being while fully or highly functioning is extremely frustrating. Not only you don't feel passionate or excited, you feel the negative pull from the other end of the spectrum amounting to something like bobbing with tide, staying afloat but getting dunk right under the currents at the same time. Not sure which is worse, the lack of motivation, or the combination of the lacks and the negative pull. Very much debatable. It might be the work status that escalates the current state, though it will be more than the work status that resulted in this. One thing for sure, a day at a time and know that there will always be someone you can call.
Hey Alana, and a good day to you! This is Shion.
I chanced upon your posts after being directed here from a certain special place, and have perused all available issues of [Your Internet Friend] during some free time I had at work. I'm a productive employee, I swear! Some parts were splendid, and some parts were admittedly kind of dry; but I'd like to thank you for sharing, and doing what you do.
Just to preface; the last time I wrote and read through a blog was back in the good old days, when Blogger was still a thing. That would be circa 2007, so that's about 15 years ago. That being said, reading through your entries from the past 5 months, and hearing a stranger's heartfelt thoughts on life and the world as it is, certainly brought a wistful smile to my face.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your experiences; both the good, as well as the bad parts that the duality of life brings. The adventurous spirit of travelling abroad alone, how much you value being independent, your search for freedom, how you strive for constant self-improvement, the fulfillment and simple pleasures you derive from your hobbies; all of that is truly a joy to read!
And though I must admit that it's unlikely I would ever go out of my comfort zone to do some of the things that you've done, there's something that the homebody spirit in me yearns for - to have the courage to leave everything behind for a bit, and enjoy life's simple pleasures like you did, and continue to do.
Reading through the more somber and reality-sets-in moments in your posts, where the vicissitudes of life get you down and make you question yourself on whether or not you're truly doing the right thing, or just taking the path of a wayward daughter, really gives your posts a way more realistic feel, and down-to-earth charm that resonates closely with me.
Life is certainly tough, in this cold and unforgiving world and society we live in. But what I appreciate about you is that you are not too bothered with conforming to these societal norms, and instead going about life one day at a time, doing your best to move forward with few regrets, and casting aside the fear of missing out. You seem to manage your own expectations well, and live your life within your own means, and by your own terms. That's cool, and I respect that.
At the risk of writing you an entire novella here in the comments section, I won't delve too much into the previous entries, but just focus on your latest entry #19. I understand that you may not be in the best of headspaces as of this post, though to be fair a month has passed since you last wrote this, and a lot can indeed happen in a month, so here's hoping that you're feeling better now.
I totally get how you feel about life overseas vs life in Singapore; living in the big red dot has a way of sucking the soul out of people, and we're not ranked some of the unhappiest people in the world for no reason. The juxtaposition of smiling and cheery locals in Bali who're not living in the lap of luxury, yet have so much to be contented for with so little - to the belligerent scowls and downcast faces of the average Singaporean peon eking out a grindingly tough existence amidst our fancy skyscrapers and concrete jungle, is quite an eye-opener.
I'm not sure if you've found employment yet, and congratulations if you have! But, otherwise, the sinking feeling that your savings are diminishing day by day, and having to soullessly churn out Resumés and Cover Letters, while having to fake those smiles and sell an idealized version of yourself repeatedly during interviews - it will certainly take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical health, and will gnaw away at your sanity if you let it take hold over you.
I hear you loud and clear, and totally empathize with your situation. Been there, done that.
But not to worry, because at the end of the day, I'm sure you've gone through similar or possibly worse situations in life, and been in equivalently negative headspaces, perhaps way more so than this one. You're an independent soul, and a true fighter; while you are but a stranger to me, I can tell just based on what you've written, and a radiant soul standing against such a dark and empty world is indeed tough, but not an impossible feat.
Even so, never let this light of yours be extinguished. The world can get you down; family, friends, and other loved ones may leave you, but as long as you are true to yourself and do what you think is right and best, with a clear conscience, then I truly believe that no adversity will triumph over the human spirit. Your spirit. Because ultimately, at the end of the world, when everything is said and done and everyone else has faded with the sands of time, you are stuck with the one person that will never leave you - yourself.
I just want to leave you with a phrase that I live by, and have constantly repeated as a mantra in my head, at times when my heart and soul were hurting, and life seemed so spiteful and arduous to get by:
"Nankurunaisa"
It's a Native Okinawan phrase meaning something along the lines of: 'Things will work out in the end'.
Simple, and yet immensely powerful, don't you think?
Take care, and I wish you all the best.
Best,
H.Shion