Notes from Your Internet Friend [#7]
a reflective birthday
It’s been long since I last wrote here, but I wanted to share this day with you friends. Words escaped me and never made it into sentences in the past few months, and I know that if I don’t write things down, I won’t be able to find those moments again a year later.
But I’m turning 27 today, a step closer to becoming 30! A scary number, that one. At the same time, I’m excited for what’s to come because I’m becoming more of a person I want to be.
Hours and hours of therapy have given me so much. I think I'm finally starting to have a better relationship with myself, my strengths, my flaws, and my mistakes. Self-love is a winding road. Loving myself means making decisions that are good for me but may let down others. Letting down others doesn't mean I'm unkind, it is me setting my own boundary. How we choose to convey that boundary kindly makes all the difference in whether that relationship strengthens or breaks down.
One thing I'm proud of is making it this far along my mental health journey. I've never been so.. able to cope with the big emotions that pay me a visit every now and then. Now I'm cognisant of them when they come, allow them to sit with me, and let them leave when they are ready.
I wrote down 27 lessons for beginning my 27th trip around the sun:
I’m enough
I’m not a waste of space
I have many hobbies and interests, and it’s completely okay to focus on one or two things at a time. They are rubber balls, not glass, that can be dropped and picked up again
I still like sad, emo, and ethereal songs :)
Saying No, or getting rejected means that something else is a better Yes
Spend on things and experiences that make me feel good about spending because it adds value, not because I was hard sold, or FOMO-ing.
Done is better than perfect
It’s okay not to have answers for every question, every doubt
I can accept myself but want to change unhelpful behaviors
Listen to my inner voice/intuition, it’s probably right about something being wrong
My values are solidifying and I can make decisions more aligned with my values
I’m stronger than I think, and can get even stronger
Less reactivity, more thoughtful responses
I can outgrow values, and ways of being to adopt new ways of living
Being kind and being nice is not the same thing
I thoroughly enjoy living on my own, and those lonely feelings wax and wane
It’s actually a fun process to experiment with ingredients, and cooking doesn’t need to be stressful - mistakes are fine, and could be happy accidents!
Catch thoughts before they spiral
It will heal; it will mend; it will pass
Self-care may not look pretty or nice. It could mean asking more of others, or letting someone down
It’s okay to have thoughts and big feelings, I can sit with them and acknowledge their presence without succumbing to them
To speak to myself in a kinder way, and letting good thoughts grow, and unhelpful ones leave
‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’ also applies to work. Taking time off and recharging to come back fresh is the best thing you can do for yourself and your team.
If someone does not want me in their life, there’s no reason for me to want them too
Everyone prioritises differently, values different things, and there’s no right/wrong.
I don’t need someone to make me happy when I enjoy my own company
However, I also need to keep myself surrounded by quality connections and socialise to keep sane
Forever grateful for the people I’ve come across, and supported me along the way in their own ways.
To those who stayed,
Thank you.